It’s been months since I’ve sat down to write in this platform. I don’t know whether it is lack of perseverance or just plain old laziness. Or whether it’s the fact that there’s so many things going on inside my head that I’m often confused where to start. But whatever it is, I know I miss blogging. And every time I do, I wait to find the perfect time to gather my thoughts and sit down to write. But we all know there is no such thing. And I’m being even more honest, this platform is my backbone in many ways.
So here I am, trying to make my comeback in writing, which I decided to do with a topic that’s very sensitive for me. Also, in order to maintain this upfront attitude I want to admit one more thing-that I wish the article was more optimistic than I made it to be. It will be more of a relaying of the thoughts that often engulf me but I hope that sometime in the future, I can write a positive follow-up to it, that will make us believe in the possibility of the impossible again. And so here it is.
Not everyone gets to find a life partner, that too along with a new family of in-laws and future children in their life-to put it bluntly. It seems like a simple thing that eventually happens to everybody, but then why does it feel so unachievable for me? When I envision a life for myself, it’s one where I’m alone with co-workers or friends around me, but there is no husband or children in it. No matter how hard I try to be positive about it, I simply cannot find it in me. And it’s not that I didn’t try or that I was never with someone (because God knows we don’t get back those years)! But in spite of all that, I ended up alone eventually.
I know single life is supposed to be the best. I also know people say that if I can’t love being with myself, then I won’t be able to make a partner happy as well. While this is true, it brings me to this question. Is it that I’m not happy with myself, or is it just that I’m lonely and crave companionship? If everyone around us seems to have a partner, and/or married with kids, wouldn’t a person’s mind go to a place where they would wonder why they are not on the same boat as them?
I’m not a party person. I come from a conservative family and I’m shy and quiet as a personality. Going on a romantic outing with my husband or for a walk in the beach is my ideal evening. But gosh the word husband seems so surreal- in fact, it’s alien to me. As an adult, I never thought in a million years that I would be the one in the family to not get married. In my culture, we grow up being told that one day it’s gonna happen. Like it was a sure, guaranteed thing. But fate had other plans and no relationship ever stuck, no matter how close it went towards the marriage direction. And after that, wherever I tried, nothing would lead to marriage either. Even the guys at the online thing fell off the grid one by one. I swear I didn’t say or do anything to put them off. One day they talked, the next day they didn’t. I won’t lie, it did affect my self-esteem in the beginning, not to mention got my hopes up only to bring it way down. But I eventually learned that this is very common for online dating apps. They probably found someone they connected with more. Which meant that suddenly I was back in my lonely life again.
To be honest, I gave up at that point. I focused on other things that made me happy. And I was happy by myself for a while, I really was. But then my mother came back into the picture and all hell broke loose. Whatever self-satisfaction I had, ended- with her reminding me that I only think I can handle it by myself but it’s all an illusion and ultimately without a husband, I would never truly be happy. And when I protested that, I became the bad guy who didn’t care to think about them and about how they cannot die in peace without seeing me married first.
Now see the irony here. I want to get married. I want to find somebody. So technically she and I are on the same page. But I cannot tell her my disheartening experience about the online guys or details of my past heartbreaks. To top it off, all the guys that she brought to the table were those that I couldn’t really see as a potential life partner. Guess who else made the bad guy cut again? All I ever wanted to explain to her was this: that after all the pain I have been through in relationships, when it comes to a life partner, I don’t want to settle for someone I don’t want to be with. It’s not that I’m not willing to compromise. I just don’t want to settle for someone my heart doesn’t give that positive vibe for. It’s really that simple. But now, when my days and nights are equally lonely during Covid, I’m wondering if I should not have been so adamant about it. After all, those guys will end up finding someone, and I will still be the lone figure that I am now.
It’s hard, very hard. To see all your friends move on ahead in life one by one, and I am still standing in the same place I always have been for years. When my friend randomly asked me one day: “Won’t you get married?” I had no answer. Every time I see a bridal picture, every time I see someone pose with their respective other, every time I see someone who got married a while ago and posts a picture with their newborn baby, I get sad. I feel this heavy burden on my heart, this dread that I’m never going to get to live that family life and it makes me hate myself even more for being so petty and selfish who can’t even be happy for others.
So there you go. Not every body gets to have that life you know? The full package? If you ever watched Gilmore Girls, you would know what I’m talking about. But I do appreciate my blessings. I could be so much worse right now. Yet why doesn’t knowing that, make this any easier? The grass is always greener on the side. It seems from afar that all marriages are perfect because social media makes it seem so. But I also know the pain of a fake smile in front of a camera, because, been there, done that. I am so grateful that I don’t have to do that anymore. Even then, when I wonder whether my life will always be like this, I get sad. Because I may be living my best life now, but 5 years from now when I see everyone I know with a family of their own, I am going to wonder, where it all went wrong for me.
But I will hold on. Somehow, with or without a husband, I will find a purpose in life. I may not necessarily be lucky enough to find the man of my dreams, but I will make sure I work hard not only to fulfill my own dreams, but also somebody else’s who really needs it. That way it’s bound to give my life a meaningful purpose- where all this heartbreak and bad luck will have made me into a person who passionately believes in helping others. I mean that’s where all the hardships make everything worth it, right? If you’ve read it this far, thank you for taking the time to do so 🙂 Until next time..