Sleepy Eye Journal

Considering it’s midnight when I sat down to write this post, the title of the post seems relatively accurate. However, I sat down to work on it nevertheless, because it’s always better to express your thoughts when it’s so fresh on your minds, instead of wearing it out until the next day when it is more focused on surviving the day at hand.

I had a family gathering tonight. A highly unusual one in the sense that after a long time, everyone was present at the same place and same time. Although don’t remind me of the part about ordering 100 (hypothetically, of course) times because of the number of attendees, and then standing in line to get all of the food to their respective hungry stomachs.

But it got me analyzing the level of gratitude I personally have, to be able to have moments like these. Although the first part of the night hustled away quickly in managing everyone’s orders. Also, it’s not fun when the restaurants are at their rush hours and you’re busy counting in your head the amount of drinks you need to order, and in that same moment, you panic because you suddenly can’t remember where you placed your wallet.

Family is tricky, people are not always on the same page, and I marvel how people who don’t see eye to eye on many objectives, manage to sit at the same table and talk as if everything is fine in the world. This behavior often baffles me, but then again, I’m the same, if I let’s say don’t like what someone is saying (especially when someone randomly comments on my weight), I’m usually too polite to say anything and just take their opinion in. Therefore, I can only deduct that other people probably do the same, just to avoid conflict.

The reason this night, and by extension this post, is important to me, is because it reminds me that everything in this world is not perfect. In fact often the illusion of perfect is so misleading that our expectations get disappointed in major ways, leading to all the disagreements and arguments that often occur among people. Hence I wish we all found a way to balance all our emotions in such a way that we didn’t have to create this impression of “everything is fine”. If things are fine, then it will show naturally; if not, then we don’t need to force a situation where we need to pretend it is.

Because pretending you don’t have a problem with the person sitting next to you, won’t really solve any issues-actually wanting to solve the issues -will. But it doesn’t work if you don’t mean the reconciliation in your hearts. Even more importantly, the other person needs to want the same. Otherwise, honestly speaking I don’t see a point of these gatherings where we spend all our energy proving to the world we are a happy family, when in reality we are far from it. It is normal to have disagreements, but what actually confuses me is at which point, our interactions are meaningful to us as a person, and which parts of our correspondence is basically fruitless.

And I learned this the hard way, because in my life I have spent a lot of lonely moments where I walk among a crowd, watching families, friends, couples move around in a group, and I literally had to train myself to not feel bad about the fact that I was walking/shopping alone. And I wonder to myself, what did I envy in those scenarios? The fact that I didn’t have anyone to share my bubble tea with, or the fact that nobody else seemed to have needed to go through the self-training process of “being comfortable with yourself”? And today, in that moment, when I was among a group of people to actually interact with, was I truly grateful that I wasn’t alone tonight? Or would I have preferred a get-together that was only among people who get along well?

And I realised my answer as soon as I asked this question. I am actually grateful that I got to enjoy this moment of temporary unity. Life is way too uncertain, and one thing I learned is no moments last forever. Soon enough, I will be back at that restaurant, eating with a fork in one hand and a book in another. Therefore, while I still have these moments, I should take it, savour it, try to enjoy it, and most importantly remember something meaningful about it.

And if anybody has any thoughts on what is a better ideal situation in this scenario, feel free to message me and let me know!

3 thoughts on “Sleepy Eye Journal

Add yours

  1. Midnight is not late for me. I keep spreading it around that I’m in fact a vampire because I always go to bed just before the sun rises 😀 Besides, you got to write when the inspiration is there as you already mentioned.

    Aw, you’re sweet. There are times when I too just have kept my opinion to myself instead of hurting friends of friends and family alike. However, it’s like a self-torture not to be able to express yourself, and in those moments I’d rather be alone. But not everyone feels the same.

    I hope you’re having a great day.


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