Confessions of a lone Star

Note: This article was written a while back when I would dream of blogging someday in the future. Fast forward to now, when even though I’m still me, I’ve changed some of the way I perceive things, and the rest, are a work in progress. But I still wanted to share this because it’s one of my relatively “lighter” writings and thought it could be a nice change!

Life is nothing but a big bowl of spaghetti

Life by itself is confusing, isn’t it? Everything we thought will never happen, happens and things we do expect, happens only before or after a million years or never at all. I wonder why that is. Is it because karma likes to play with us or is it because we are always in constant need of something? Either way, the mysteries of life sure bamboozles me and hence all my blabbering here. Although I don’t know the consequences of honest confessions (time will tell for sure and if I ever had an instinct it would tell me to expect the worst), but I do know that I should get it out of my system before it becomes toxic. Or wait, has it already?

Why life seems to hate me so much

I’m pretty sure I myself and anybody else who knows me will know the answer to that question, but to state the obvious, it’s probably because I could never grasp the fine art of appreciating life and its blessings. Fuelled by sufficient inspiration from home where fighting, cursing and most dangerous of all, criticizing is second language, it sure is difficult to forget the negative moments, think happy thoughts and appreciate all the positive ones. Which is exactly why karma gets the upper hand, shows me ten different ways life can get worse and I end up being a further dysfunctional mess; complaining more and more about life everyday.

What I’m doing with my life

The only useful thing I seem to be doing is still trying to figure out where my life is headed. Everyone my age is either getting married, or working, or seemingly having an awesome life. And here I am who has no clue whatsoever what the hell is happening. I’m sitting here in a country, with jobs I struggle to keep alive without further studies, no acceptance into any masters program (because I’ve always been too busy being a doofus instead of trying to achieve better grades) and no hope of getting married because I’m possibly the most hopeless romantic idiot who doesn’t remember to think with her brain, ever.  And the times I’m innocent enough to feel that things may work out eventually some bright sunny day, or think that there are a million other possibilities to achieve if one dares to dream etc etc etc, I land hard enough to indulge my fat bumpiness and get all those dreams whooshing out of me. 

Issues that makes life question our sanity

Naturally after living half a lifetime of dysfunctionality, you start realizing that craziness is probably not going to skip a generation in your family. On top of that, I fall down everywhere, I sniff like crazy when I’m crying, I’m hungry all the, and I mean ALL the time, I get ticklish even if a dog/cat/parrot walks/flies beside me, and I overreact and get over- sensitive about every small thing. No big deal right? Well, no! As much as we want to embrace the uniqueness in our madness, and chances are you might find it cute even, but eventually you don’t want to see that side of me because that would send you flying off your handles or tearing out your hair (the latter being more likely, practically speaking). But then one day and after several motivating books, I randomly realised that the only way to live and breathe properly, without killing yourself for those things is you have to accept your own craziness and be proud of it. And focus on finding simple solutions. I mean, when you think about it, what other way is out there?

So what do I do to make life better?

  1. Listen to music that allows me to pretend I’m the one performing.

Music for me is based on mood, during the sad moments of life I can listen over and over again to the same heart wrenching song and on days when I’m feeling a little perkier, especially when considering I’m too shy to actually sing in public) I transport myself on to an imaginary stage with an amazing imaginary band or on some imaginary music video where my hair is good, I don’t have gigantic pimples on my face and I’m happy and carefree. And if I am guessing correctly, I’m sure we have all been there?

  1. Shopping for jewelry. Or do window shopping to be precise

Shopping is an activity that allows you to picture yourself as you want to, and buying those makes you feel like you are getting something you want. Of course, it’s a different issue altogether, when I realise after coming home is that the person I picture myself to be with those new clothes/accessories, may not necessarily be the same as people perceive me to be. Which is fine I guess, because we are to become the best version of ourselves, not what people want us to be. So the next time someone tells me I look fat when I’m wearing a dress I like, I guess I’ll just tell them to get a life and listen to Sia’s songs eh?

3.        Being nice to random people 

You will be surprised how therapeutic this actually is. Every time you feel like crap for some reason, or you feel you are the world’s biggest idiot, or you feel at a loss for things to do or say in a situation, anything that makes you doubt yourself really, heed my advice and do a good deed. Instantly something will change in the air, flowers will start blooming, the sky will become bright blue and a breath of fresh air-no I’m kidding, but you will feel better about yourself. I try to help someone walk up the stairs, or give up the seat for the old lady or hold the door open for the next person; no matter how small, whatever good you do will change the way you see yourself. Of course as Joey believed, no good deed is selfless, but hey that’s okay! Helping someone helps you, so it works both ways.

4.    Dance my heart out

Okay so this should have come after the part on music. But I kept it for last here because I wanted to put some focus on it. And also, by dance I don’t mean keep it limited to that, if exercising is your thing, or tap dancing as I learned from Gilmore Girls, or yoga, or meditation or walking or jogging or even martial arts for that matter, then by all means go ahead. But for me dancing is the way to go because it lets me vent my frustration away without stepping on anybody else’s toes (yet) and I feel elated and positive. It’s a simple fix and I wish I realised it sooner. So if you can do your thing too, you will be on the right track. Oh and make it a habit while you’re at it, will you?

Make life as normal as it could appear to be

Basically, the purpose of this article is not to go on and on about my problems honestly. Although I’m sure many of you are screaming in your head right now that these don’t even fall in the category of problems. And you may be right. But are these not what our lives are about? Aren’t these why we live life in the first place? To have a family, good education, a career, a spouse, children, a healthy balanced lifestyle= life? So when one of the variables in this equation don’t add up, life gets imbalanced, does it not? Therefore, the reason for this article is basically to convince all the people out there, including myself, to hang on.

To conclude a bunch of gibberish

I suppose what I’m trying to say here is that although I don’t have all the answers to give at this point, I am hoping at some time in the future I will come up with some brilliant, game-changing, mind-boggling, heavenly-lighted solution to all our over-the-surface miseries. And if not, well, I’ll leave you all a forwarding address to mail your hate mail. Until then, peace out, and hang in there. I mean, if I can, so can you. At the very least, know that you are not alone. Or, as I’ve read somewhere- you can dim your lights at night, watch a horror movie, and that’ll do it for you anyway. 

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International Womens day

While everyday is womens day, it is still great that a day is dedicated to all the beautiful, strong and compassionate women out there who despite all odds, are thriving so fiercefully that it almost seems easy, when looked from outside. But the word thats being mentioned by everyone in the world today, is a slightly heavy word for me, even though I’m aware that being a women in today’s world, isn’t as bad as it always was. There are so much more awareness, more independance and overwhelmingly increasing support from all genders. However, the more we celebrate womanhood, the more we must also be aware of the struggles a woman goes through, so that we can celebrate them even more.

My memories as a woman, was that I was not allowed go out without a chaperone. As a woman I was not allowed to stay out late (that is past sunset) or go somewhere I really wanted to go. As a woman I was told not to laugh too loudly, not to put on too much makeup, not to wear the color red. As a woman I was scared to stand up for myself, and lost days on end fearing what society and people and my parents will think of me. As a woman I grew up believing I was ugly where I couldn’t bare to look at myself in the mirror. And as a woman I was abused where there was clear (and rightfully so) idea from one side of the party, that I would not be strong enough to object. And to think all these happened during my younger years.

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The Motivational Game-Changer

A few months back, right before Coronavirus hashtag switched to that of “Quarantine”, I went to the 3-day motivational women conference “RISE” organized by “The Hollis Company” co-founded by Rachel Hollis. I’m very grateful and lucky to have been able to attend it during a tricky time right before the peak of Covid. I had work that day and hadn’t been working long at that job, and therefore had decided I didn’t want to take the risk of angering my superiors. But it was meant to be and therefore I was bound to casually mention it to my brother, who picked up on it and said to me determinedly- “You should go. It could change your life. Take 2 days off work. If you’re worried about expense, I’ll pay for your ticket.”

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Not Everyone Gets It

It’s been months since I’ve sat down to write in this platform. I don’t know whether it is lack of perseverance or just plain old laziness. Or whether it’s the fact that there’s so many things going on inside my head that I’m often confused where to start. But whatever it is, I know I miss blogging. And every time I do, I wait to find the perfect time to gather my thoughts and sit down to write. But we all know there is no such thing. And I’m being even more honest, this platform is my backbone in many ways.

So here I am, trying to make my comeback in writing, which I decided to do with a topic that’s very sensitive for me. Also, in order to maintain this upfront attitude I want to admit one more thing-that I wish the article was more optimistic than I made it to be. It will be more of a relaying of the thoughts that often engulf me but I hope that sometime in the future, I can write a positive follow-up to it, that will make us believe in the possibility of the impossible again. And so here it is.

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The funny story that’s called life

Okay, so this is my first blog post. It’s a little long as per my habit forever, but with time I will try my best to keep them short and precise.

Every experience has a first time- that’s very important to remember. Especially when one is scared and nervous. But I’m also trying to avoid procrastination, so the key to that is do and not think. Which means write and not think. But also, think before you write of course.

I think a little background is necessary here. The reason I started writing a blog. I’ve hit this time in my life where I’ve had some major changes in the way I think, the way I perceive everything around me, the very way I see myself even. And this change didn’t happen overnight; in fact it is still happening (because evolution is a continuous process). But also, it wasn’t easy getting here.

I was the kind of person who always focused on the negatives in life. Whatever was going wrong, whatever dreams that didn’t take shape, whatever issues I was dealing with, and the fact that everyone around me seemed to live a life that I would have loved for myself. And I was that way for 28 years.

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